Selfishness

October 27th, 2009

Am i really selfish? Was there even a moment that i wasn’t? Now i tend to question myself, am i really good enough? Is this really the price of loving someone who’s off limits? You’ll be selfish? I never considered myself as such until i heard those words from a friend and it made me bleed. Those words made me think that what if he is right? And what if i’ll continue to feel this way until the one i love goes away? Does it still make me selfish? Sometime i question myself and my motives- am i just venting all my pent up feelings of a love that i once had but not anymore? Am i just trying to make or feel the happiness through someone?

i really don’t want to reach the point that one day i’ll get tired of love. i am a firm believer of love and the least that i can ever do is to make another wrong move that would make me hurt myself.

i value love and true friendship. but if having or expressing the love that i have could mean losing the friendship that has just started, then what will i do? is this where selfishness comes in? i badly want to tell him all my thoughts and feelings but at the same time i also want to keep it to myself since i do not want to take the risk. i do not want to live life with what if’s and if only’s but i also know that there would be a lot of consequences. i do not want to lose him as a friend but i know i love him and it keeps getting stronger day by day which is so wrong- now that is selfishness.

if only i could hug him..just one hug, just one..i can lie to everyone, but i can’t lie to myself and it’s really killing me. How do i deal with this? How do i get this selfishness off my system? it hurts me every time he talks about his girl. it makes me quiet and speechless and i try to give my best to have a normal reaction and expression to let everyone know that i don’t care. but i know that behind every “i don’t care”, there is always an emotion that i can’t hide from myself. i’m killing myself so slowly. this should not be and if i still want to live, then i should not think about it this much..

i should give myself a break..a break from hurting..a break from loneliness..a break from love.

constant complains.

August 11th, 2009  Tagged

it’s raining and i know that during this kind of weather, i would usually think about the “emo-ness” of life..i’m alone in my room listening to a love song that never will reflect my non-existent love life..this maybe the first time ever that i’m going to post this because out of nowhere, it just came to my mind..maybe because of the rain..

ever since a guy broke up with me, my so-called love-life took a whole 360 degree turn..for a moment there i couldn’t believe what was happening..i mean, all i ever asked for was for us to work out, and maybe, just maybe, we would end up together..but then something happened, and neither of us could avoid the possibility of breaking up..the difference was, i let him decide it..i never took ownership of the breaking up part because i know that i would regret it somehow..so, i let him do it..i waited for him to do it..eventually, he did..i can’t say that i was not hurt, or that i felt satisfied..i was really feeling a whole lot of different emotions during that time..it was like i was ready for it, but then i was not..i guess you can say that i was tired of always doing the things that would salvage the relationship that was why i gave up so easily..i was constantly “rebooting” my system..trying very hard to restart everything..but to no avail..i seem to change because of that..my family and closest friends could really attest to this..

after graduation, i tried my best to move on..i think i really did move on since the thought of him already left my head and my heart..i was ready to face the world again..i looked for a job, and thankfully i was accepted in the first company that i applied to..in this place, i learned a lot of things..i learned how to get drunk every friday night (and how getting drunk seems to make me forget about the bad things that happened), how to dance without being shy (believe me, you won’t see me dance often!) and how to hide the pain inside..i was with new people, new friends and new something..

in this new something, i met him..i considered him a friend at first..then a crush..then..i don’t know what we are now..that’s about it..i badly want to say that we are still friends, but it’s very unlikely..right now, as in, as i listen to the rain, i wished that that friday night did not happen because it was that night that i started liking him..never knew why..he made it all so easy for me to forget about the pain, but he was starting another pain in me as well..it seems so ironic..

right now, all i want is for us to become friends again..he does not know that i’m doing my very best to get this feeling out of my newly-scanned system! haha! and believe me, he is helping me do that by the most convenient way that he can- ignoring me..and that just sucks! because by ignoring me, it’s like he is ignoring what i considered was friendship between both of us..and it hurts..i just wish that he can help me in other ways..i just want us to be normal friends again, where we can exchange text messages and the likes..i just wish that he’ll let me get over him without him taking too drastic measures as ignoring me..

i don’t want another reset in my system..

(guess you all know what i’m talking about..or who..)

on my rest day.

August 5th, 2009  Tagged

i can’t cry hard enough..i can’t find the tears to express how i feel inside..i never knew that this could be so tiring and that there would be a certain moment wherein you’ll only get to feel so exhausted of feeling the same feeling over again..how do i find the words to say goodbye? why do i find it so easy to cry? because every thing reminds me of you, forgetting you is just so hard to do.

*char!*

unsolicited emotions

July 28th, 2009  Tagged

there are times that i just simply find myself worrying about feelings that shouldn’t be considered as a big deal after all..sometimes i find myself so immature when i tend to blame others that i am alone..truth is i just refuse to see that maybe the person responsible for all this is me..

i just came from work and i’m not feeling sleepy..i am just so hungry..i can’t understand why though since i ate during my lunch and my breaks..my appetite is increasing by the minute but my weight is not..i don’t like that..haha..

uhhm..i think my emotions are unstable..one minute i am happy, the next minute i’m sad..i can easily find reasons to change my mood and how i feel so easily..it’s a miracle that i am getting by..i just don’t wanna feel this lonely anymore..having a boyfriend is not the solution, i know..it’s more than that..it’s actually having someone who can laugh with me, who’ll be with me when i need them most, who’s gonna uplift me, who’s gonna inspire me..who’ll be the reason that i actually feel like myself again..

(currently, i’m still in search of my old self..)

jean’s birthday!

July 21st, 2009  Tagged

i thought my day would be very ordinary since for the whole day i was only lying awake in my room, fixing my things and well..just hanging around in the house..until i received a text message from my sister saying that jean was inviting me at calda’s for her birthday celebration..i was so damn happy because at last i could spend my time in places other than our house or sykes..hehe

i was the first to arrived at calda’s..jean and the others arrived minutes later..i had so much fun being with then again..i really miss their company..jean, jerson, abe, aye, japing and owen were there..geof, mayan and jouvy couldn’t come because they were working..anyway, we ate this huge pizza..haha..we had a hard time finishing it actually..i think japing ate majority of the slices..hehehe..

after eating, we went to sm..uhhmm..nag-videoke and ride ug bump cars..haha..i had so much fun with the bump cars..wanna do it again..then we sang sa videoke..i can still remember the songs that we sang..jean and abe sang this song entitled out reach, japing chose a song by the calling called wherever you will go, japing and i sang i want to spent my lifetime loving you, i went with a song by the corrs called runaway..owen sang paminsan-minsan (which was so funny since it was an..well not really old song..but still, basta, dli sa among generation..hehe..*peace wen!!)..then, abe and jean sang kiss me..then..uhhmm..japing and the others sang truly, madly, deeply..haha..

we were supposed to sing the last three songs but then, the power went off..haha..wa ju’y batasan..magpa-refund jud ko next time!! hehehe..joke..mag close naman gud toh cla..hahaha..

i really had so much fun with these guys tonight..it was jean’s birthday, but i felt like it was a special day for me too since i really miss them so much..haha..drama au ko!!

sinking in..

July 19th, 2009  Tagged

the fact that i can’t have him is slowly sinking in..this big world that i’m currently in right now is so much more different from the worlds that i’ve been in- different from college, high school and way different from my younger days..i’ve experienced a lot of pain and, well, heartaches that would seem so minor compared to what i’m feeling right now..if this blog could just speak, then maybe it would complain about all my rantings that would seem meaningless for the human kind..

but then, on second thought, is love really meaningless? huh! oh no it’s not..especially when you talk about it with me..i guess most people just don’t seem to care too much about it..but love is an issue for someone as overly sensitive and emotional as me! haha! i make myself sound as if i am unstable..hehe..it’s not that..it’s just that i give value to love that much..i even had a debate earlier with my grandmother about it..

a’ryt..so i’ll stop myself..that’s it! there’s really no issue about this..it’s just that for nth time i’m completely and majorly in love with someone who has great power to break my heart just by ignoring me..and gad, i hate being ignored..the more he ignores me, the more i keep pestering him and i hate it when i do that..that is just so immature of me..i’ve learned the virtue of acceptance during my last relationship, but why does it seem that i mess myself up with this guy..

why do i have the habit of falling in love with the wrong person? i always ask myself this question..

oh well..i guess that’s why it’s called falling..it hurts every time you touch the ground..

for you!

July 14th, 2009

Conjuring Conflicts

by: Mara Rev Caballes Resma

Curious stares I discreetly and often give you,

Looking at you is a beautiful thing to do.

In every angle, to me, you look so divine,

Nothing can compare even if gods are combine.

Thoughts of you visit me even when I’m asleep,

Pictures of you are present in my sweetest dreams.

Constantly, I imagine myself in your arms,

Adhering to the feeling of comfort and warmth.

Barely thinking about the pain this will cause me,

Attempting to hide the tears so you will not see.

Losing control of emotions I keep hiding,

Lures me to the point where my heart could be breaking.

Escaping reality still makes me happy -

Since you are part of my most needed fantasy.

_====_

I made this poem yesterday as I was about to go to sleep..the words just appeared in my head as i closed my eyes..i never thought i could make another poem; i mean, another poem like this..i hope he will be able to read this and understand the words..i hope his sensitive enough to know the clues..haha! i don’t care if he finds out..

weird feelings..

July 12th, 2009  Tagged

i trust my heart completely..or that’s what i used to think..i don’t know why but when my brain interferes with matters that should be for the heart, every thing becomes more logical..

i’m happy with my situation with him..there are times when i can’t understand myself because i tend to interpret every glance, time, word and smile he gives me..there was this instance wherein my friends from work talked with him about taking live calls; when he looked at me, there was something in his eyes that told me something bad..something which could mean that he knows how i feel for him and he’s not happy about it..

i told geof not to be very logical about some things, but it seems like i’m not taking my own piece of advice..it’s just that i want him to know how i appreciate him a lot..aside from having these feelings for him, i am also happy that i get to be his friend and i sure hope that he won’t take that away from me..every moment i have with him is very important for me and i just want him to know how much he’s making me happy just by being there..

does anyone knows how i feel? words aren’t enough to describe this feeling..

-end-

*sigh*

shit happens..

July 5th, 2009  Tagged

they say:

“smart people usually have stupid hearts..”

i say:

“with the way my stupid heart is going, i must be a freakin’ genius!”

lately “shit happens” is my favorite line..it totally describes how i feel..goodness..am i in such a mess?! haha! weird..i don’t like this feeling..whoever invented the words falling in love anyway?!

rose, abe and my mom are watching when i met you..haha! LOL! i’m fond of watching love stories before, but lately i don’t want to.. i don’t want to be reminded of love and the likes..hehe..joke..T_T

anyway, i have been in a tremendous “moving on” situation right now that i do not know the feeling of how it is exactly to move on..i don’t even have the slightest clue if i already moved on..if i did, then i should have the feeling of satisfaction right?

then again, it would come to a point wherein i can actually say that i have totally forgotten everything but still i can’t find it in my heart to be happy..is it my intentions to deny myself the happiness that i tried so hard to find? am i this complicated woman who doesn’t know how she feels or tries so hard figure out what she feels that she tends to complicated things??

i know exactly how i feel..i know exactly what and who i want..but it’s getting more and more complicated for me because of the fact that i know exactly those..

p.s: my eyes hurt..and i don’t know why..my heart also hurts..haha..

heartbeat

July 2nd, 2009

the nicest thing that could ever happen to me is to be with him..as simple as that..just to be with him..it doesn’t really matter if he knew that i harbor feelings for him, as long as i can see him before the day ends, then i’ll really be happy..even if he has a girlfriend or whatever!

just tonight he was with us..i was expecting that my heart will behave, but she did not..i was in the comfort room when they arrived; i knew they were there because i heard the sound of his voice..i knew then that when i get out of the comfort room, my day would be complete..only then have i realized that my feelings for him were not the same as before..i didn’t have the chance to review and re-assess my feelings..i thought that after yesterday night, when ivy and mitch, i and the others went out- drank a little and sang-along with the videoke; my feelings for him will somehow, lessen..but after tonight, i realized that the intensity of my emotions were still there and was quickly growing..

maybe because i seldom see him, or maybe because there’s something in him that draws me near to him..it’s just that i know for a fact that i feel this way for him..it’s like my heart beats for him, or he’s one of the reasons why it still beats..

love has given me a hard time..i can’t figure out why love seems to enjoy making fun of me..maybe these are strong words to say, but it sure does feel so much like it..