shit happens..

they say:

“smart people usually have stupid hearts..”

i say:

“with the way my stupid heart is going, i must be a freakin’ genius!”

lately “shit happens” is my favorite line..it totally describes how i feel..goodness..am i in such a mess?! haha! weird..i don’t like this feeling..whoever invented the words falling in love anyway?!

rose, abe and my mom are watching when i met you..haha! LOL! i’m fond of watching love stories before, but lately i don’t want to.. i don’t want to be reminded of love and the likes..hehe..joke..T_T

anyway, i have been in a tremendous “moving on” situation right now that i do not know the feeling of how it is exactly to move on..i don’t even have the slightest clue if i already moved on..if i did, then i should have the feeling of satisfaction right?

then again, it would come to a point wherein i can actually say that i have totally forgotten everything but still i can’t find it in my heart to be happy..is it my intentions to deny myself the happiness that i tried so hard to find? am i this complicated woman who doesn’t know how she feels or tries so hard figure out what she feels that she tends to complicated things??

i know exactly how i feel..i know exactly what and who i want..but it’s getting more and more complicated for me because of the fact that i know exactly those..

p.s: my eyes hurt..and i don’t know why..my heart also hurts..haha..

heartbeat

the nicest thing that could ever happen to me is to be with him..as simple as that..just to be with him..it doesn’t really matter if he knew that i harbor feelings for him, as long as i can see him before the day ends, then i’ll really be happy..even if he has a girlfriend or whatever!

just tonight he was with us..i was expecting that my heart will behave, but she did not..i was in the comfort room when they arrived; i knew they were there because i heard the sound of his voice..i knew then that when i get out of the comfort room, my day would be complete..only then have i realized that my feelings for him were not the same as before..i didn’t have the chance to review and re-assess my feelings..i thought that after yesterday night, when ivy and mitch, i and the others went out- drank a little and sang-along with the videoke; my feelings for him will somehow, lessen..but after tonight, i realized that the intensity of my emotions were still there and was quickly growing..

maybe because i seldom see him, or maybe because there’s something in him that draws me near to him..it’s just that i know for a fact that i feel this way for him..it’s like my heart beats for him, or he’s one of the reasons why it still beats..

love has given me a hard time..i can’t figure out why love seems to enjoy making fun of me..maybe these are strong words to say, but it sure does feel so much like it..

sick but not sick?

yesterday i wasn’t able to post something on my blog because there was no internet connection..so i might as well write this before i go to work today coz the connection’s up and running and i don’t want to forget the details that are still so fresh in my head..

i was not feeling well yesterday, i had a fever..i was not my usual self at the start of my shift because i was very quiet..i wasn’t talking..at all..haha!!

during our first fifteen minute break, we went to the pantry and stayed there for awhile..i waited for chai and gel to finish eating when suddenly a very familiar face- so familiar to my heart- appeared at the door…he said “hi! muzta nmn mo?” he went inside and chatted with our group for 5-10 minutes more or less. he told me that the software that he borrowed from me could not be installed to his computer and i told him that i’ll borrow another installer from a friend.

we asked about berlitz results and he said as much as he would want us to know, he cannot disclose it to us because that’s the rule..and then he told us that he has a class..and then he said goodbye..and went..haha

and then baaamm!! i wasn’t sick anymore..i was always smiling (like a crazy-love sick teenager!). sometimes i really annoy myself when it comes to situations like these because i act so inappropriately..i don’t know why, but i act like a teenager, which i am not anymore..

it’s just that i can’t help it! when i’m happy, i guess it comes out naturally in my case..i’m just so happy..an ordinary day turned out to be a perfect day! do you ever get this feeling that somehow you know you’re day is complete because of the fact that you know you’re working with someone that you like (so majorly like!) in the same building or company, but it was made more complete (if there is such a term) because you actually saw him and talked to him without you expecting to do so!! that’s how i felt yesterday!! my day was so soooo overwhelmingly extraordinary because of one short encounter!!

i told myself that i should not go deeper with these feelings i have for him but i don’t know how to..i don’t even want to think about how he would react if he’ll know..i don’t want to picture myself not being friends with him..i don’t want to see the day that we’ll be avoiding each other..

truth for truth..

it’s getting more and more complicated

as time goes by i fall more and more in love with him..i don’t want to go too far with this but i don’t know how to control my emotions..if i don’t see him, i start to hope for a miracle that somehow he will just appear in front of me..if he doesn’t text me, i feel so like my day’s incomplete..there is no time of the day that i don’t think of him..whenever my sisters talk about him, just hearing his name gives me goosebumps..he really shakes my world like an earthquake!

char!

joke! hehe.. @_@ T_T

out of words 2.

i made that poem when i was, i think in 3rd year high school. haha! i never thought that it would someday apply to me.

now, i’m really making this blog as my diary. i’m not so sure if it’s a good idea though, since it’s very public and i really can’t be discreet about my feelings. still i’ll try my very best not to uhhmm..put so much clues into my posts..hehe.. ^^,

i’m just glad that i found my way back to writing. it makes me feel better. there’s just so many things that i want to say as of this moment; things that i want to say particularly to him…but i’m afraid i can’t just say it..the problem with me is that i am very impulsive; a trait i have that often leads me into trouble..and it often leads me straight to a broken a heart.

hhmm..sometimes i often get confuse..i tend to fight for what i feel; i express it; i am being true to myself, but, i get hurt in the process..what have i done wrong? is it wrong if i confess my feelings to someone? that’s being true to yourself right? is it impulsiveness (if there is such a word! LoL!)??? i think not..i mean, i live in the 21st century and all men and women are created equal right?

ohhh god…what am i saying?!?! let’s end this..but it’s not nonsense..haha..it’s something..i can’t put words into this something..it’s just that, it’s something..

out of words.

Masking Reality

Though I love you, i try to see,

If these feelings I will set free.

I am living in dreams and fears,

Because loving you brings me tears.

Then, I wear a mask of fantasy,

As I laugh at reality.

I live in illusions of love-

Your love, I just cannot have.

Unmasking such a fantasy,

I’m not sure if I can be happy.

If you see the love that I hide,

what will it bring me inside?

As I am in this masquerade,

I ask myself when will this fade?

I don’t want to pretend for long,

Because I’m not sure if I’ll be strong.

100 truths about me

WHAT WAS YOUR:
1. last beverage = coke
2. last phone call = uhh..papa..
3. last text message = from clint.
4. last song you listened to = no air
5. last time you cried = haha..i wanna forget that..

HAVE YOU EVER:
6. dated someone twice = nope.. ;p
7. been cheated on = yessss..
8. kissed someone & regretted it= nope..
9. lost someone special = yes..i did..
10. been depressed = yeah..a lot of times..
11. been drunk and threw up = yes! haha! unfortunately!! hehe

LIST THREE FAVORITE COLORS:
12. blue
13. red
14. purple

THIS YEAR HAVE YOU: (2009)
15. Made a new friend = yes..a lot of then..
16. Fallen out of love = YES! i realized that last june 13..haha
17. Laughed until you cried = yeah…
18. Met someone who changed you? = yep! that june 13 guy..hehe..he brought me back actually..
19. Found out who your true friends were = yes..i did..the hard way..
20. Found out someone was talking about you = yes! as in..the hard way again..
21. Kissed anyone on your fb friend’s list = nope..

GENERAL:
22. How many people on your fb friends list do you know in real life = uhmm..i guess about 40%
24. Do you have any pets = virtual pet..sa pet society! haha
25. Do you want to change your name = no..i like it just the way it is..
26. What did you do for your last birthday = party..hehe
27. What time did you wake up today = 12 noon..haha
28. What were you doing at midnight last night = surfing the net..update sa blog..
29. Name something you CANNOT wait for = nothing..patience is a virtue..
30. Last time you saw your Mother = duh? we kind’a live in the same house!!
31. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life = akong pagka-impulsive..
32. What are you listening to right now = i told you so by carrie underwood
33. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom = yep..tutee na ko sa una..
34. What’s getting on your nerves right now = uh..nothing..
35. Most visited webpage = friendster..facebook..mysoju..crunchyroll..
37. Nicknames = mar..mars..yangyang..
38. Relationship Status = single..
39. Zodiac sign = sagittarius
40. He or She? = she
41. Elementary? = FVFC
42. High School = UP High School in Cebu
43. College = UP Cebu College
44. Hair colour = Black
45. Long or short = short..na plano patas-on..
46. Height = 5 feet two inches..
47. Do you have a crush on someone? = YES!!! I DO!! haha
48: What do you like about yourself? = my..outlook in life??? hahaha
49. Piercings = i have..
50. Tattoos = not..planning?? hehe
51. Righty or lefty= righty..and lefty..

FIRSTS :
52. First surgery = wala pah twn..
53. First piercing = when i was in grade 1..
54. First best friend = sheila..
55. First sport you joined = badminton and volleyball.
56. First vacation = Manila
58. First pair of trainers = uhhhmm..grade something pa ko..

RIGHT NOW:
59. Eating = yep..oreos..
60. Drinking = water..
61. I’m about to = read love in the time of cholera
62. Listening to = my immortal
63. Waiting for = LOVE?? hehe

YOUR FUTURE :
64. Want kids? = yup..two..fraternal twins aron drtso..hehe
65. Get Married? = nope..not yet..
66. Career? = uhhmm…slowly getting there!!
WHICH IS BETTER :
67. Lips or eyes? = eyes..
68. Hugs or kisses = hugs..
69. Shorter or taller = taller of course..
70. Older or Younger = older..
71. Romantic or spontaneous = both..
72. Nice stomach or nice arms = nice arms..
73. Sensitive or loud = sensitive..
74. Hook-up or relationship = relationship..
75. Trouble maker or hesitant = hesitant..

HAVE YOU EVER :
76. Kissed a stranger = nope..i make sure that i know his name..
77. Drank hard liquor = yes..
78. Lost glasses/contacts = nope..i don’t wear both..
79. Sex on first date = DEFINITELY NO!!!!!
80. Broken someone’s heart = well..yes..
81. Had your own heart broken = yeesss!! a lot..haha
82. Been arrested = never..not even for j-walking!!
83. Turned someone down = yes…
84. Cried when someone died = yes..who wouldn’t??
85. Fallen for a friend? = yes..

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:
86. Yourself = sometimes..
87. Miracles = yes..
88. Love at first sight = nope..
89. Heaven = yes..always does..
90. Santa Claus = nope..
91. Kiss on the first date = no comment..
92. Angels = yes! i really do!!

ANSWER TRUTHFULLY:
93. Had more than one bf/gf? = at the same time? no..
95. Did you sing today? = yes..i always sing..
96. Ever cheated on somebody? = no??
97. If you could go back in time, how far would you go, and why? = high school..i miss those times!
98. If you could pick a day from last year and relive it, what would it be? = during my oral defense! i could have done better..
99. Are you afraid of falling in love? = no..definitely not..
100. Posting this as 100 truths? = yes!! i’m not afraid to tell the truth!! hahaha..

stressed out?

am i? i never realize that there is one thing in this whole world that can really affect my self-esteem…i have one word for that: BERLITZ!!!

my gosh..i’ve never been so pessimistic my entire life..i’m the type of person who’s always “go!!” and i always get a positive result..but now, i can’t help but anticipate a very negative outcome..my wave mates didn’t help..they’re even looking for a new company to send in their applications..personally, i really like sykes..i like it there..did i mention that i like it there? deym..what is happening to me? all because of BERLITZ!!!

i’d be a major loser if i fail this..i’ll consider myself as the biggest failure forever if i fail this..unfortunately, there is a huge possibility that i will really really fail..totally…

hopeless romantic again?

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before, i used to label myself as a hopeless romantic. i was, literally, a hopeless romantic. i cry whenever i see touching movie scenes; i get angry when there’s a third party, and most especially, i believed that love works for everybody, including myself. i fancy a love story like the ones i read in romance novels, not realizing that they’re just fictional, something created and imagined by a person like myself..

after our break up, i was determined to change myself. to throw away everything that i have believed in. to not believe in love. to change myself from the inside. to be willing to play with the feelings of others, just like what happened to me. but i guess i’m just not that kind of person. i never realized that i just can’t change myself because i am at my lowest situation. i’ve witnessed different people trying to deal with love and love-problems. some deals with it better that others. and i can say that i have successfully dealt with mine since i can’t find myself crying at night anymore.

it’s the first time today, ever since the break up that i felt the romance alive in me again. i don’t think that i was right in saying that all the love in me disappeared after that event. i guess it was just overshadowed by loneliness. i realized, as i was watching Bud Brothers Series with my sister that i was still the same mara as before- a hopeless romantic; a girl who feels love working for others, but this time, it may not include her- but she’s still happy. i always find enough reasons to be happy.

i am not sure if i will be satisfied with this realization, but i know it wouldn’t matter. i know love works differently for different people. besides, i’m not the type of person who dwells forever on the bad or unfortunate things that has happened to me. there were a lot, actually, so it’s just a matter of being used to it. i wouldn’t let it affect my life. i just have to accept it and deal with the moving on part as best as i can. 
Love will find its way to me and it pays to wait…
( i just love it when i’m my usual optimistic self..hehe)