Selfishness

constant complains.

it’s raining and i know that during this kind of weather, i would usually think about the “emo-ness” of life..i’m alone in my room listening to a love song that never will reflect my non-existent love life..this maybe the first time ever that i’m going to post this because out of nowhere, it just came to my mind..maybe because of the rain..

ever since a guy broke up with me, my so-called love-life took a whole 360 degree turn..for a moment there i couldn’t believe what was happening..i mean, all i ever asked for was for us to work out, and maybe, just maybe, we would end up together..but then something happened, and neither of us could avoid the possibility of breaking up..the difference was, i let him decide it..i never took ownership of the breaking up part because i know that i would regret it somehow..so, i let him do it..i waited for him to do it..eventually, he did..i can’t say that i was not hurt, or that i felt satisfied..i was really feeling a whole lot of different emotions during that time..it was like i was ready for it, but then i was not..i guess you can say that i was tired of always doing the things that would salvage the relationship that was why i gave up so easily..i was constantly “rebooting” my system..trying very hard to restart everything..but to no avail..i seem to change because of that..my family and closest friends could really attest to this..

after graduation, i tried my best to move on..i think i really did move on since the thought of him already left my head and my heart..i was ready to face the world again..i looked for a job, and thankfully i was accepted in the first company that i applied to..in this place, i learned a lot of things..i learned how to get drunk every friday night (and how getting drunk seems to make me forget about the bad things that happened), how to dance without being shy (believe me, you won’t see me dance often!) and how to hide the pain inside..i was with new people, new friends and new something..

in this new something, i met him..i considered him a friend at first..then a crush..then..i don’t know what we are now..that’s about it..i badly want to say that we are still friends, but it’s very unlikely..right now, as in, as i listen to the rain, i wished that that friday night did not happen because it was that night that i started liking him..never knew why..he made it all so easy for me to forget about the pain, but he was starting another pain in me as well..it seems so ironic..

right now, all i want is for us to become friends again..he does not know that i’m doing my very best to get this feeling out of my newly-scanned system! haha! and believe me, he is helping me do that by the most convenient way that he can- ignoring me..and that just sucks! because by ignoring me, it’s like he is ignoring what i considered was friendship between both of us..and it hurts..i just wish that he can help me in other ways..i just want us to be normal friends again, where we can exchange text messages and the likes..i just wish that he’ll let me get over him without him taking too drastic measures as ignoring me..

i don’t want another reset in my system..

(guess you all know what i’m talking about..or who..)

on my rest day.

i can’t cry hard enough..i can’t find the tears to express how i feel inside..i never knew that this could be so tiring and that there would be a certain moment wherein you’ll only get to feel so exhausted of feeling the same feeling over again..how do i find the words to say goodbye? why do i find it so easy to cry? because every thing reminds me of you, forgetting you is just so hard to do.

*char!*

unsolicited emotions

there are times that i just simply find myself worrying about feelings that shouldn’t be considered as a big deal after all..sometimes i find myself so immature when i tend to blame others that i am alone..truth is i just refuse to see that maybe the person responsible for all this is me..

i just came from work and i’m not feeling sleepy..i am just so hungry..i can’t understand why though since i ate during my lunch and my breaks..my appetite is increasing by the minute but my weight is not..i don’t like that..haha..

uhhm..i think my emotions are unstable..one minute i am happy, the next minute i’m sad..i can easily find reasons to change my mood and how i feel so easily..it’s a miracle that i am getting by..i just don’t wanna feel this lonely anymore..having a boyfriend is not the solution, i know..it’s more than that..it’s actually having someone who can laugh with me, who’ll be with me when i need them most, who’s gonna uplift me, who’s gonna inspire me..who’ll be the reason that i actually feel like myself again..

(currently, i’m still in search of my old self..)

jean’s birthday!

sinking in..

the fact that i can’t have him is slowly sinking in..this big world that i’m currently in right now is so much more different from the worlds that i’ve been in- different from college, high school and way different from my younger days..i’ve experienced a lot of pain and, well, heartaches that would seem so minor compared to what i’m feeling right now..if this blog could just speak, then maybe it would complain about all my rantings that would seem meaningless for the human kind..

but then, on second thought, is love really meaningless? huh! oh no it’s not..especially when you talk about it with me..i guess most people just don’t seem to care too much about it..but love is an issue for someone as overly sensitive and emotional as me! haha! i make myself sound as if i am unstable..hehe..it’s not that..it’s just that i give value to love that much..i even had a debate earlier with my grandmother about it..

a’ryt..so i’ll stop myself..that’s it! there’s really no issue about this..it’s just that for nth time i’m completely and majorly in love with someone who has great power to break my heart just by ignoring me..and gad, i hate being ignored..the more he ignores me, the more i keep pestering him and i hate it when i do that..that is just so immature of me..i’ve learned the virtue of acceptance during my last relationship, but why does it seem that i mess myself up with this guy..

why do i have the habit of falling in love with the wrong person? i always ask myself this question..

oh well..i guess that’s why it’s called falling..it hurts every time you touch the ground..

for you!

weird feelings..

i trust my heart completely..or that’s what i used to think..i don’t know why but when my brain interferes with matters that should be for the heart, every thing becomes more logical..

i’m happy with my situation with him..there are times when i can’t understand myself because i tend to interpret every glance, time, word and smile he gives me..there was this instance wherein my friends from work talked with him about taking live calls; when he looked at me, there was something in his eyes that told me something bad..something which could mean that he knows how i feel for him and he’s not happy about it..

i told geof not to be very logical about some things, but it seems like i’m not taking my own piece of advice..it’s just that i want him to know how i appreciate him a lot..aside from having these feelings for him, i am also happy that i get to be his friend and i sure hope that he won’t take that away from me..every moment i have with him is very important for me and i just want him to know how much he’s making me happy just by being there..

does anyone knows how i feel? words aren’t enough to describe this feeling..

-end-

*sigh*

shit happens..

they say:

“smart people usually have stupid hearts..”

i say:

“with the way my stupid heart is going, i must be a freakin’ genius!”

lately “shit happens” is my favorite line..it totally describes how i feel..goodness..am i in such a mess?! haha! weird..i don’t like this feeling..whoever invented the words falling in love anyway?!

rose, abe and my mom are watching when i met you..haha! LOL! i’m fond of watching love stories before, but lately i don’t want to.. i don’t want to be reminded of love and the likes..hehe..joke..T_T

anyway, i have been in a tremendous “moving on” situation right now that i do not know the feeling of how it is exactly to move on..i don’t even have the slightest clue if i already moved on..if i did, then i should have the feeling of satisfaction right?

then again, it would come to a point wherein i can actually say that i have totally forgotten everything but still i can’t find it in my heart to be happy..is it my intentions to deny myself the happiness that i tried so hard to find? am i this complicated woman who doesn’t know how she feels or tries so hard figure out what she feels that she tends to complicated things??

i know exactly how i feel..i know exactly what and who i want..but it’s getting more and more complicated for me because of the fact that i know exactly those..

p.s: my eyes hurt..and i don’t know why..my heart also hurts..haha..

heartbeat

the nicest thing that could ever happen to me is to be with him..as simple as that..just to be with him..it doesn’t really matter if he knew that i harbor feelings for him, as long as i can see him before the day ends, then i’ll really be happy..even if he has a girlfriend or whatever!

just tonight he was with us..i was expecting that my heart will behave, but she did not..i was in the comfort room when they arrived; i knew they were there because i heard the sound of his voice..i knew then that when i get out of the comfort room, my day would be complete..only then have i realized that my feelings for him were not the same as before..i didn’t have the chance to review and re-assess my feelings..i thought that after yesterday night, when ivy and mitch, i and the others went out- drank a little and sang-along with the videoke; my feelings for him will somehow, lessen..but after tonight, i realized that the intensity of my emotions were still there and was quickly growing..

maybe because i seldom see him, or maybe because there’s something in him that draws me near to him..it’s just that i know for a fact that i feel this way for him..it’s like my heart beats for him, or he’s one of the reasons why it still beats..

love has given me a hard time..i can’t figure out why love seems to enjoy making fun of me..maybe these are strong words to say, but it sure does feel so much like it..