a mistake?

evanescence

i
don’t know why most of the time i tend to make the same mistakes over
and over again…i mean, when will you know that what you are about to
do is a mistake unless you try doing it?! turns out, i’m so great at
making them without knowing beforehand how i’ll regret it terribly
after…

i’m
sure you don’t know what i mean…i fact, i’m not yet ready to admit
that what i’ve done was a mistake…i don’t know…it’s just that, it
felt so right doing it…i had no doubts…

but now?! i’m not so sure…i feel so…broken…torned apart…

panic mode..

i am so tired…i feel like the muscles in my body are never gonna move an inch again…can you imagine we cleaned the complex in our barangay for our induction tonight? and my head hurts…my eyes are falling but i still have to stay awake because there is soooo much more to do..and this damn humid weather is adding up to the torture…this sucks alot…

and i still have to sing three songs tonight (one of which is the Lupang Hinirang, which i never seem to get the right tune!). funny because for 365 days i sing the national anthem, plus those times i sang it in our choir, but i never seem to get it right on solo…(this is the end of my singing carreer before it even began!!!)

i am really really tired….

sibling rivalry..

ever have the feeling that you are left out and the attention that you used to have from everyone is diverted to others? i guess that will be the case in a family of so many members..in my part, i never had a bad case of sibling rivalry from my sister…

what sort of reasons will make my sister and i quarrel?! let’s see….

a. money. i can’t remember a situation when my sister and i quarreled over money..well, i know i have a lot of borrowed money from her..hehehe..i shamelessly admit that!!! what can i do?! she’s the one who has the so-called "green-thumb" (i know green-thumb means a person who’s good in handling plants, but i don’t know the appropriate term of a "person good with money…forgive the use of whatever terms!!!hehe) when it comes to expenses and capital…hehehe..and she seems to forgive me always for not paying parts, and i mean, larger parts of it…talk about generosity?! :p

b. boys. not in a million years..hehehe..we will never have a fight over boys and i can really stick to that!!!

c. attention. well, sometimes i do get jealous of her..but i think it’s normal, since there are two of us..we won’t really resolt to killing each other for whatever reason just because we feel that the world is too small for us..hehehe

d. clothes and other things. that would be very immature…i mean if we fight because one of us has more clothes or accessories than the other, what would that make us?! what difference does it make?! hehehe

e. achievement. i am never jealous of my sister’s achievements..come to think of it, she has more intelligence in her head than i do have in my average head!! LOL!!! she’s better in MAth than i am…i do admit to that..hehehe…but i support her whole-heartedly..hehe..(drama!!)

so, in short, we never had a serious case of sibling rivalry ever…and why am i telling you all these?! i don’t know…i just felt like doing ot..hehehe

bad habits…

this is sort of like a reflection of what i have done and what i will be doing..i don’t really need this kind of thing, but i was just feeling so low and obviously, so confuse…i never ever wanted to make the same mistake twice (or at least, thrice!) still, i prefer to actually take a chance and i never seem to learn my lesson.

tomorrow, we will be celebrating our first monthsary. technically, i will be celebrating since i have no idea if he even remembers what day tomorrow is, get what i mean?! sometimes i feel like life is being so unfair to me. i am trying my very best not to be affected with the fact that he seems so laid-back and carefree but i just couldn’t get him off my mind and it turns out i still do give him chances…not just second chances, but i’m afraid "giving of chances" will go on until i could no longer take it, which would seem like "forever" for me.

i’ve already adjusted with our situation, a move i never ever imagined myself could make. i tried to understand that he is busy at school (he’s taking summer classes) and at the same with his work (he is also a working scholar), i tried my best to be a not so "jealous-and-paranoid" girlfriend (i really still consider myself to be his girlfriend!), and like what our closest friends told me (including his brother and his brother’s girlfriend), i tried my very best to be honest with him and to express the things that, at first, i was very hesitant to show.

yeah, and we’re on our first month of being "together again" tomorrow, but within the process, our relationship was very much "clouded"…full of uncertainties and definitely with little trust (and i mean both on our parts!) i tried to talk things out with him, but all i got was more unsure feelings (on my part!)…and thoughts like he could really lie to me and all..

i’m having a hard time understanding myself and all these feelings. i was never this kind of girl before, i never had this low self-esteem before..i was the aggressive and full of life type of girl..but now, i feel like everything depends on what will happen tomorrow..the kind of feeling wherein you obviously don’t know what will happen nexy and how you will react to it.

these are becoming, fast becoming, my bad habits. i never had these before..i was the "go and move on with your life" type of person. i never forced myself into a situation that i couldn’t handle. i never fought for my feelings for someone who cannot fight with me because i know that will be easier…but now, why these?! why did i become this person?

oblivion…

Are You Happy Now

now, don’t just walk away
pretending everything’s okay and you don’t care about me.
and I know it’s just no use
when all your lies become your truths and I don’t care yeah yeah yeah

(chorus)
could you look me in the eye
and tell me that you’re happy now oooooh
would you tell it to my face or have I been erased
are you happy now?
are you happy now?

you took all there was to take
and left me with an empty plate and you don’t care about it yeah.
and I am giving up this game
and leaving you with all the blame cause I don’t care yeah yeah yeah

(chorus)(are you happy now)(x2)

yeah yeah do you really have everything you want
you could never give something you ain’t got
you can’t run away from yourself

could you look me in the eye
and tell me that you’re happy now yea yeah
come on tell it to my face or have I been replaced
are you happy now yeah yeah yeah yeah ohh ohh oh oh
yeah yeah yeah ohh oh
would you look me in the eye
could you look me in the eye
I’ve had all that I can take I’m not about to break cause I’m happy now oooh
are you happy now?

__________________________________________________________

que sera sera…what will be, will be…