a ray of confidence!!hehehe

this should stop…for a while…ahahaha

again? isn’t it too early?!

i just heard a song this morning while i was ironing our clothes…it was about someone who just broke up with her boyfriend (i assume she was a girl since the singer was a girl) and she heard their song in the radio and asked herself why did their song sounded so lonely now compared before…

i didn’t get the lyrics though…but the like the lines "why did our song sound so lonely…why did you change the melody?!" and something in between…well, i’m not really complaining about lalay anymore since i figured out that it might be good for me to get over him and move on instead of wallowing myself into sadness and a high-level of self pity. it’s just that, i once felt something so similar to the girl in the song…

my friends keep urging me to find someone else…but i think it’s too soon..i think, no, i’m sure that i need a break from all these love stuff and concentrate first on something that would make my life worthwhile and have direction…do you guys have any idea how many times i’ve advised myself too be serious with my studies and all that school things, but in the end, i tend to walk off in a different direction..which somehow made me think, am i really that stubborn teenage girl who easily changes her mind and do a lot of things with so much spontaniety that scares me eventually?!?

i just believe that it’s really time for me to be serious about these "direction in life" stuff or else i’ll be floating in nowhere, with no one, and i’m one hundred percent sure i’ll be miserable when that time comes…i’m turning 20 for heaven’s sake!!(yeah!! i’m going to be that old soon!! surprised i admitted that on the net?!) time to do an over-all reflection of myself, my life and my everything before i make a complete fool out of myself…

The Past..as it was…

THE PAST

I was wrong when I hurt you
But did you have to hurt me too
Did you think revenge will make it better?
I don't care about the past
I just want our love to last
There's a way to bring us back together

CHORUS:
I must forgive you (I must forgive you)
You must forgive me too (we must have to try)
If you wanna try to put things back the 

way they used to be (honey let's start again)
'Cause there's no sense in going over and over
The same things as before
So let's not bring the past back anymore
(no looking back, we can't look back)
(honey let's start again)

Out of all the good we had
You only keep track of the bad
Though you knew I never really loved her
Didn't anyone tell you yet
That to forgive is to forget
How can you be mad if you don't remember

CHORUS:
I must forgive you (I must forgive you)
You must forgive me too (we must have to try)
If you wanna try to put things back the way 

they used to be (honey let's start again)
'Cause there's no sense in going over and over
The same things as before
So let's not bring the past back anymore
(no looking back, we can't look back)
(honey let's start again)

I must forgive you
And you must forgive me too
It's the only thing that's left that we 

haven't try to do
One thing I'm sure will work
That we haven't tried before
Let's not bring the past back anymore
(no looking back, no looking back)
(honey let's start again)

______________________________________________________

i guess it helps me get over when i fill my mind 

with all the thoughts of him until i find it 

boring to think of him...hehehehe

it only reminds me…

i can’t believe why after all this time, i still feel this way…as much as i try to tell myself to get over him fast, as much as i try to deny that i still have feelings for him; the truth still remains…and this is so unfair…

last night, i saw him..he saw me…we were both with our friends..and his words to me were "hi" when he came and "bye" when he left…well, ok..what more could i ask for?! he is not my boyfriend anymore so why should i even bother remembering what the exact words he uttered for me, right?!? right?!?

it’s just that, all the things i do with my friends remind me of him…the singing, the chattong…laughing…picture-taking…sweet moments i see that seems so inevitible when my friend and her boyfriend are together…i’ve done it all with him before…so it’s so hard to forget him when everytime i try to with friends, i am only reminded of him…and when i’m in school, and i see these people so perfect together, my mind is soooo full of "if only’s" and "what if’s"…

the aftermath of it all…

i didn’t think i would become so bitter after my recent break up…but i realized that it was a very natural reaction…and now, i’ve come to a decision never to give my one hundred percent trust, love and commitment to any guy..that’s what he did to me..at some point, i’ve become numb..at another, i’ve become stronger…

MOVING ON..just two words…about a second to blurt out, but can be a million years to achieve..the more you try to get over, the more he is invading your heart and mind; so believe it or not, there’s no such thing as moving on..it’s just a matter of getting used to the pain… To put it in one word—> NUMB…

and so. that’s it..i guess i just have to get use to it..and it will all end…

thanks a lot…

i admit i am still on the process of mending a broken heart…and without the help of these people, i sure will feel the very slow and somehow painful process…so, let me just thank them..

chloe, emyatz, dennisa, camille and ralph…these guys never fail to ask me "are you ok? how’s your heart?" they were always there to listen even though they also have their own problems…

bhudz michelle…thank you so much bhudz for all the late night texting and wasting of load just to comfort me and accompany me when i feel alone…thanks for welcoming me inside your home and treating me as a part of your family…

jonelle…my cuzin..thanks a lot for all the pieces of advise and for being there for me when i was crying…

jerson…yeah! you have helped me too…in your own simple ways that even i could not describe how you did it or whatever…hehehe..thanks for making me smile and everything…

my friends in apas…naan, miriam, amay, nenette, rhyan and eric…thanks for everything…for bearing with me throughout my sentiments with lalay…thanks alot…

i couldn’t survive this without them…my friends…that is why i am so thankful…

Undiscovered

"The Law of Science: Nothing is Displaced UNLESS it is replaced. Translated into the Law of Love: You’ll fall out of love ONLY if you fall for someone else…"

Take it back, take it all back now
The things I gave, like the taste of my kiss on your lips,
I miss that now
I can’t try any harder than I do
All the reasons I gave, excuses I made for you
I’m broken in two

All the things left undiscovered
Leave me empty and left to wonder
I need you
All the things left undiscovered
Leave me waiting and left to wonder
I need you
Yeah I need you

Don’t walk away

Touch me now how I wanna feel
Something so real, please remind me
My love, and take me back
Cuz I’m so in love with what we were
I’m not breathing I’m suffocating without you
Do u feel it too?

All the things left undiscovered
Leave me waiting and left to wonder
I need you
All the things left undiscovered
Leave me empty and left to wonder
I need you
Yeah I need you

When I’m in the dark and all alone
Dreaming that you’ll walk right through my door,
Its then I know my heart is whole
There’s a million reasons why I cry
Hold my covers tight and close my eyes
Cuz I don’t wana be alone

All the things left undiscovered
Leave me waiting and left to wonder
I need you
All the things left undiscovered
Leave me empty and left to wonder
I need you, I need you

Cuz I can’t fake and I can’t hate
But it’s my heart
Thats about to break
You’re all I need
I’m on my knees
Watch me bleed
Would you listen please
I give in
I breathe out
I want you, theres no doubt
I freak out, I’m left out
Without you, I’m without
I’m crossed out
I can’t doubt
I cry out
I reach out
Don’t walk away
Don’t walk away
Don’t walk away
Don’t walk away

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

he wants us to be friends…we broke up this afternoon and he told me he wants the same treatment…and for me, that is just so difficult…i can’t treat him with the same manner i treated him when he was still my boyfriend…how can i move on if that’s the case?! how can i forget him?!

now, i still love him..i still care for him..i have to admit that because denying it is no use…but i know that i should stop this because this will just give me so much pain…he chose the other girl and really, there’s nothing that i can do about it…

but why do i feel really miserable? it’s like i’ve thrown away something that’s really a significant part of me…

a realization..

"how can you move on?!!

you move on when your heart finally understands that there is no turning back…"

so many things have happened these pass few days. i’ve discovered that sometimes, i have to be strong in order to face the brighter side of life. i’ve also discovered that even though how much you love a person, even though you care for them as much as you care for yourself, there will come a time that you will have to let go of them especially when you feel that it’s really not working out well for both of you…

in my case, i know i should let go of lalay because i know that our relationship was not meant to be in the very first place. i love him so much…i do…but i guess there has to be an end un loving… you let go of someone to know just how strong you are… it hurts… you cry… but every tear i shed symbolizes my pain… and when i shed more tears, the pain i feel in my heart is lessen…and soon, i know it will disappear…

regrets?! i don’t have regrets… i don’t have regrets over the things i’ve said and done… those were happy memories i’d keep forever…memories that, even though sometimes, would make me cry, are forever imprinted in my heart and mind…

someday, true love will find its course to me…i won’t have to hurry…

without you!!!

"i become so numb…" - Linkin Park

i’ve never felt this kind of feeling my entire life..you know, the feeling of satisfaction when you aren’t a prisoner of someone else anymore. i can say that this is one of the most fulfilling feeling ever!!

you see, when i let go..i fully intend to mend myself..to go over the whole process of healing without them knowing that i came from a very disappointing relationship..and now, i think i am slowly starting to get use to the idea that he’s not with me anymore…that he’s not by my side..i have anticipated that he will not choose me, that is why it doesn’t really hurt me at all. what can i do?! that’s life and life isn’t really fair.

with this, i have learned a new lesson..even though we really love someone, even though we gave up almost every thing for them, even though we showed them just how much they really mean to us…it doesn’t really mean that they will do the same. somehow, the feeling will not be mutual…

but, i still feel that, somehow, i was in his heart…i reached the place that not all person in his life can go…but i did not stay there long enough to know if he ever has the chance to change…i did not stay there long enough to know if he will choose me over some other girl…at one point, yes i was scared!! scared of losing and scared of hurting myself…at another point, i could not take all the unfaithfulness he has given to me anymore. he thinks i did not know!?! well, of course, i knew…i am not stupid and i have feelings..i can feel it in the very first place that he was hiding something..but because i was scared to give him up, to feel abandoned again, i did not say anything to him…

yet, there are things and there are feelings that should end..no matter how hard you try to endure, when the pain pushes through inside your heart, you just have to stop fighting and lose a losing battle…

the walls all tumble down for us…surprisingly…i did not cry…

i give up!!

i’ve never felt so tired my entire life!

i guess giving up is the only sane thing to do…

i’ve already fought for his love for so long and right now, i’m really tired..i can’t wait for him to grow up and make decisions..his being so indecisive about things just irritates me alot…

i can’t wait for him to move because his efforts are beyond zero level…

he just can’t prove that he loves me…

with that, i give up!!!