what was i thinking?

yeah..so last april 14 i came back here from leyte and i felt so
different. i was sort of less than happy to be back to a place i used
to call home.

right now, my house in apas does not feel like a home anymore. it feels
like i don’t belong here aymore. now i know how my cousin janel feels
whenever she’s here and she just wants to get out. i don’t know what
has gotten into me but it feels like i can’t and possibly, will not be
happy here anymore.

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my mom treats me so differently. i can’t understand her. tita cathy
seems more like a mom to me that her. well, i know that’s a very wrong
statement, but it feels like someone, maybe it was me or her, made a
gap between us. and it’s a very thick gap if i may say so.

i’m missing cliff nygel so much, and i don’t have anyone to tell these
things to. i can’t tell them to my mom because, as i said, we’re more
like strangers now more than ever.

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the last issue that i made between my sister and i was our fight
wherein she throw a bottle of lotion to me and hit my neck. that was
one hell of a fight and if it wasn’t for my mom, i would really get
back at her. because my mom went in the middle, i felt like i was about
to blow up because i couldn’t get even.

now, she acts like a prima donna who isn’t doing anything except
sitting and facing the computer. well, it isn’t a big deal., except
that she’s quite so "use to" being so bossy. and sometimes it annoys me
that she "can" complain, but she isn’t doing anything.

and my mom’s reaction to this? no comment!

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i’m spending lesser and lesser time with them. i thought that when
cliff went home to leyte, i could spend more time bonding with my
family. but i was wrong. so wrong! and because of that, i miss those
times wherein cliff was still here and i could tell him everything. and
he would just sit there and listen to me; saying "ok ranah mine oi..na
pa bitaw ko.."

and then he would hug me and kiss me on the cheeks. and i miss that. i
guess the only person who gives me the attention that i want, and
probably more, is cliff nygel. he comforts me every time i have "home"
problems. but right now, he’s not here. he’s in leyte. no one listens
to me. there is absolutely no one that i could talk to about how i feel.

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i keep thinking what it would be like if i have to spend my whole
summer vacation in leyte, in cliff nygel’s home. i guess everything
would turn out differently for me. at least there i could eat well,
there is food everywhere, his parents are very nice, thoughtful,
understanding, and very kind to me (they all accept me! and i’m
flattered..)..his grandmother is very nice as well, i didn’t hear her
nag..compared to my grandma, who always find her reason to nag about
simple things. his friends are so warm and accepting, they are very
entertaining as well. i had so much fun when i was in leyte and i
couldn’t wait to go back there.

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my internship? well…ahhhmmm.. i’m in cebu daily news along with three
of my classmates- kim, aireene and kristine. originally there were five
of us, but kimberly amor transfered to an online publication in there
place. my reaction to this? kim amor take me with you?!? hehehe.. n_n

i guess i’m just afraid, or let’s say, pressured to the environment.
but i’ll do what it takes to finish the internship, with or without the
support of anybody.

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it’s been a long time since i haven’t posted something in my blog.

and right now, i feel better. although not quite. just a little.