Am i really selfish? Was there even a moment that i wasn’t? Now i tend to question myself, am i really good enough? Is this really the price of loving someone who’s off limits? You’ll be selfish? I never considered myself as such until i heard those words from a friend and it made me bleed. Those words made me think that what if he is right? And what if i’ll continue to feel this way until the one i love goes away? Does it still make me selfish? Sometime i question myself and my motives- am i just venting all my pent up feelings of a love that i once had but not anymore? Am i just trying to make or feel the happiness through someone?
i really don’t want to reach the point that one day i’ll get tired of love. i am a firm believer of love and the least that i can ever do is to make another wrong move that would make me hurt myself.
i value love and true friendship. but if having or expressing the love that i have could mean losing the friendship that has just started, then what will i do? is this where selfishness comes in? i badly want to tell him all my thoughts and feelings but at the same time i also want to keep it to myself since i do not want to take the risk. i do not want to live life with what if’s and if only’s but i also know that there would be a lot of consequences. i do not want to lose him as a friend but i know i love him and it keeps getting stronger day by day which is so wrong- now that is selfishness.
if only i could hug him..just one hug, just one..i can lie to everyone, but i can’t lie to myself and it’s really killing me. How do i deal with this? How do i get this selfishness off my system? it hurts me every time he talks about his girl. it makes me quiet and speechless and i try to give my best to have a normal reaction and expression to let everyone know that i don’t care. but i know that behind every “i don’t care”, there is always an emotion that i can’t hide from myself. i’m killing myself so slowly. this should not be and if i still want to live, then i should not think about it this much..
i should give myself a break..a break from hurting..a break from loneliness..a break from love.